I'm aging about a decade for every week I do this.

Annnd DJ didn't do his work today.

So much for my romantic thoughts about changing people's lives.  Sorry.  I know none of you wanted to hear that. But that's how it went.  He at least had his notebook open and pencil out, though--which is an improvement I GUESS.  Anyways, he pinky-promised he would tomorrow.  So we'll see.

In other news:

1.  I got observed by some people who were reviewing our school.  It was mass chaos--we were playing a "review game."  There were like 5 of them in there for half an hour, staring at me and marking on their clipboards.  I wanted to vomit the whole time.  Some kids were cursing.  Some were jumping around the room.  Some were sitting in their desks with their heads down.  Some had Smarties in their nose.

2.  I thought this job would toughen me up.  Instead, I find myself constantly on the verge of tears.  I think it's due to tiredness and stress.  I seriously cried looking at someone's facebook pictures of the Grand Canyon.  Sure it's beautiful, but SERIOUSLY?  It was a facebook picture, for goodness sake. I also cried when:

-I found out the line at the DMV was three hours.

-The board of education wouldn't give me my paycheck because it wasn't between the hours of 3 and 4.

  -I saw a particularly poignant Olive Garden commercial.

-I opened my cell phone bill.

-I passed by all the little kids dressed up and trick-or-treating.

-I listened to a voicemail from my grandfather.

-I realized my coupon for Staples had expired a week ago.

Just kidding about that last one.  But I briefly considered it.

I've never thought of myself a high-stress individual, but these kids are wearing me out.  It's funny to step back and think about how much these FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLDS are affecting me.  I mean, they're little kids.  (Oh, no, Ms. M!! We GROWN!) I need therapy--or at least a massage.  I said this out loud in my first block and Rashee's eyes immediately lit up.  "You need a m--"

"NO!" I shouted.  "I know what you're about to say and just...just don't."

As I sat by myself in the back row of church on Sunday, I listened to a sermon on the story where Jesus heals the leper.  "If you want to, you can heal me," the leper pleads as he lies prostrate in front of Christ.  For the 283746 time that week, tears welled up in my eyes.  I need to be healed, and it's not a question of whether or not Jesus can heal me; it's whether or not he wants to.  And Jesus' reply to the leper? "Of course I want to.  Be healed!"

Comforting.  And so true.  So many times a day I sit there asking myself if I can really do this.  Can I really teach these kids anything?  Can I measure up to the incredible pressure placed on me?  Can I love my students well?  The answer, as you and I both have seen a million times is a resounding "No!"  So easily I forget that I needn't rely on or measure success of my own efforts.  Instead, I need to lean on the ability of One far more capable.  I'm the leper, hoping for a miracle.  The question is not can the Lord perform one, it's will He.  I hope he answers me like he did the leper.

The truth of the matter is, I'm a lot like DJ.  I don't know what's best for me, so I do what I want to in the moment and seldom stop to ponder the consequences.  I ignore the commands of my Teacher because He requires a lot out of me and it's hard work.  I fail to understand that the things He requires of me are things that will benefit me in the long run.  I sometimes show a glimpse of promise or a sign of change, just like when DJ did his work the other day.  Then I turn around and mess up again.

Jesus never gives up on me.  His patience and love for me never run out.  That is my charge: to love DJ and all my other students with the incredible love and patience that my Father shows me.  Is that an impossible charge for me? Yes.  But thankfully I don't have to depend on me.