Can't

Here are a few things that are weighing heavily on my heart. Each of them deserve a post in and of themselves, and maybe I'll get around to it one day, but for now I'll just give you the quick and dirty:

1. Stink bomb set off in my class by one of my sweetest kids.

2. General attitude that "we don't have to do what Ms. M says because there's really not a whole lot she can do if we won't."

3. My baby Lamaric (the one I read with) telling me about his volatile family and stints in foster homes.

4. Another favorite student attempting suicide and telling me about the voices he hears in his head.

5. The sick, poisonous culture that these children are born into.

6. The devil's lies I hear spewing out of the mouths of these kids. Every. Single. Day.

7. Feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually attacked from the moment I walk into school to the moment I leave.

8. The intense hatred I feel for some of these kids while I'm standing up at the front of the room trying to teach them.

On the way home, through tears I angrily told the Lord that I can't.

I can't make these kids sit in their seats.

I can't make these kids listen to me.

I can't make these kids pick up a pencil and do their work.

I can't make these kids want to do well in school.

I can't make these kids act with integrity.

I can't make these kids treat each other with respect.

I can't make these kids treat me with respect.

I can't shut their mouths.

I can't take away their anger.

I can't make them behave.

I can't heal them.

I can't bring their parents back together.

I can't make sure they're fed when they go to sleep.

I can't make sure they go to sleep on time.

I can't give them a stable home.

I can't keep them from being abused.

I can't change the culture they were born into.

I can't love them well.

I can't.

But you know what? It's silly for me to put pressure on myself to do any of these things. How on earth could anyone expect me to make a grown boy do anything he doesn't want to? How can I expect myself to live up to these unrealistic expectations?

Whose expectations?

Not the Lord's.

The Lord desires my faithfulness. He wants me to get up every day, get into my car, drive to RMS and teach these children. Even when they're bad. He expects me to keep my commitment and show up every morning ready to serve Him by serving His children. Even when I don't feel like it. Even if I don't feel like I'm doing much of anything.

That's all.

And I do that. Not perfectly, not always with the right motivation, but I do. That's enough. Because all those things I can't do--my Savior can. And (praise Jesus!) because I am covered with Christ's blood and righteousness, my Father looks on what I've done and declares it to be beautiful. "This is my daughter, with whom I am well pleased."

Hallelujah.