Quinn is one of the five girls that got added to my team midway through the first quarter. She is hilarious. I don't know how to say this tactfully, but she is one of the few white girls that attends our school and is...somewhat normal. I love her. She's incredibly bright and has perfectly mastered the art of sarcasm--I should know, as I am well-versed in the field myself. I realized this about her after I sent home "job applications" with my students. These so-called "job applications" were really just a gimmicky way to trick my students into doing crap around my classroom that I was not interested in doing myself (i.e. picking up trash, filing papers, sharpening pencils). I took each mundane task and gave it a glamorous title and official-sounding description, then I talked about how much trust and responsibility came with earning such a covetous position. Now, kids usually respond to my pleas for them to push chairs under the table with the same dramatic revolt as if I had looked them solemnly in the eye and asked them to clip my toenails. With their teeth. All of the sudden, they were jumping up and down begging me to be the next "VP of Distribution" or "Absentee Delegate."
Reading these "job applications" was most definitely a highlight of my teaching career thus far. I had one mysterious application from a certain (last name) Bum, (first name, middle name) Homeless Gay.
Job Applied For: Sanitation Manager.
Why are you interested in this job?: I love trash.
What skills do you have that make you good for this job? I am good at digging through trash.
What other jobs have you had in the past? In the past I sorted trash into 4 piles for the company Allied Waste Services. Paper, plastic, glass, and my lunch.
HA. I sat on my bed, literally shaking with laughter. I'm glad I possess such a mature sense of humor. Oh, Homeless G. Bum.
Where was I? Oh yes, Quinn. Quinn applied for "Materials Marshal" because "Passing out papers has always been a passion of mine." Go ahead, Quinn. Call me out for my ridiculous trickery. I'll be the first to appreciate a little biting sarcasm, and I'm honestly glad someone could see through the hokey-ness of it all.
"Ms. M!!!!" she'll say. "There's CHEX-MIX spilled ALLLLL in my backpack!!! Can I go to the office? I need to call my mom!!! It's an emergency!!!"
"No."
"But then WHAT should I do!?!???!!"
"Um, I would suggest you take the stuff out of your backpack, hold it upside down over the trash can, and shake vigorously."
"That's a GREAT idea!! Thank you sooooo much!!!"
We have a certain appreciation for each other, Quinn and I. Besides our sarcasm, we also have something else in common: we are the only blondes in all of 8th grade. The other kids think we look exactly alike. Side note: anyone who is white and blonde is automatically my twin. Jessica Simpson (why, THANK you!!), Paris Hilton (really??), Taylor Swift (We DO have similar styles and salaries), Heidi Klum ("If only I had a dime for everytime I heard THAT one!")...the list lengthens daily. Quinn always responds to our comparison with "No we don't!" but looks slightly pleased as she shoots me a glance.
Another thing about Quinn. She smokes a lot of pot.
Twenty. That is the number of days she's been suspended this year for sneaking off to the bathroom to...relax. After the most recent offense, I refuse to let her go to the bathroom.
"Ms. M, can I go to the bathroom?"
"No."
"Pleaseeee!?? It's an emergency!"
"No."
"But WHY!?!"
No response, just a look.
"OH MY GOSH. So is no one ever going to let me go to the bathroom again??"
"Probably not."
"This SUCKS!"
"Quit smoking weed in the girls' BATHROOM!"
Knowing all this, you can imagine my surprise when last Thursday Quinn came up to me during lunch and asked me if I wanted to buy some Girl Scout Cookies.
"Ms. M, would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?"
"Maybe. Who's selling them?"
"Uh, me! Duh."
"Wait...you're selling Girl Scout Cookies?"
"Yeah."
"You--You're a...Girl Scout?"
"YES, Ms. M! Why is that so hard to believe??"
You, dear reader, do not even know Quinn, yet I'm willing to bet you have a million reasons you could choose from already. And with that, I leave you. Good night.
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