Hello friends, family, and strangers (I flatter myself)! I am a recently-graduated girl finding my way in the "real world" (apparently, I've been floating around the fake world for the past two decades). Many of my friends' "real world"s consist of cubicles, nine-to-fives, marriage, babies, and other such grown-up things. My real world looks a little different. Yes, I still get up and go to work every morning, same as they do. But instead of battling fax machines, computer programs, disgruntled spouses and dirty diapers, I arm myself against a legion of 14-year-old boys. Well, 83 of them to be exact. You see, I teach 8th-grade boys' Science in an inner-city, high-poverty school. What it is not: glamorous, prestigious, boring. What it is: humorous, heartbreaking, and the most challenging thing I will ever do.

The stories I tell and the people I describe are real; you can't make this stuff up. If you are new to my blog, I hope you'll start at the beginning and fall in love with its characters, just as I have.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

March Sadness

I'm beginning to feel again like I did before Christmas break. You know...like a failure.

Because I am. Because I don't love my kids well. Because I haven't taught them anything. Because, over six months into this thing, I still can't get through a lesson without yelling to be heard. I don't know if I can honestly say I have a positive impact on any of them--or even a positive relationship with them. To be cliche, the only thing I'm consistent with is being inconsistent. You'll tell me otherwise, but you don't see me in the classroom. You don't see how being constantly frustrated and emotionally drained changes me into a person I don't like when I'm teaching. If you can even call it that.

Other people can do it. Other first-year teachers have seen success in their classrooms. So what is wrong with me? I guess I don't work hard enough, care enough, pray enough, _________ enough. You fill in the blank. I don't do it enough. And I'm starting to give up.

For the first time since probably November, I cried on the way to school again. The closer I get to June 10, the farther away it feels...
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2 comments:

  1. ABMarch 5, 2010 at 10:35 AM

    ann. my bestfriend's sister, Sara D.Walker told me about your blog. i teach in a projects housing community, i teach art, and whatever other life,character building,lesson can be thrown in there, from day to day. this is my 3rd year. i gave up alot this year..and it's flown by..but i realize, starting over is not that bad. literally, seeing with new eyes, fresh perspective and long-term goals..seem to help. i can relate to every post i've read here. thanks for the laughs and showing others what "craziness" we face each day. hang in there - your true purpose there is beyond anything you'll probably see this side heaven.

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  2. ErMarch 5, 2010 at 5:35 PM

    We need to talk on the phone. I had 3 hysterical phone calls last week with Davis Ann and Stevie and my Mom. I have my weeks of horror, exhaustion, depression, etc etc etc. This job has effed me up. I often think about the person I become in my classroom and hate myself. I seem to fly in on a broom most days--and I think I'm a basically nice person most of the time. This job has transformed me into a person I don't know--but my best VA friend and co-worker, Myra, reminds me often that this is how it's supposed to feel--and it means you're doing a good job and that you care. deeply.

    I never feel like I'm doing enough, working hard enough, caring enough, praying enough, whatever enough---but I know I can't give an ounce more... And neither can you. I don't feel patient enough, consistent enough or loving enough.

    But it's ok because God called you to your kids and your classroom. You get them for a season, and you aren't in control of that season. And even though you don't feel it or see it, you're planting seeds just by being there. His Spirit is working in you---and He will work in your kids too.

    Don't forget--You're annointed and appointed to your classroom. It's your domain. God called you there and He is empowering you.

    I am praying for you. Call me when you get some time. XOXO feel a hug!

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